Motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be ...

I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul. Without question, I would give my last breathe for her and yet on most days, my darling daughter, pushes me towards the brink of insanity.

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I was the person who always thought that ADD/ADHD was an excuse for people with out of control children. It was a crutch for those who did not know how and/or chose not to discipline their child. That is of course, before I became the parent of a child with ADHD.

As some of you may already know, back in 2005, my daughter, who we will call Princess P.I.T.A., was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction with a hypersensitivity to touch and sound, as well as, ADHD of the combined type.

She showed, what I now know where symptoms, very early on. From the screaming fits after being at S’s for the day (it’s always very loud there), to the quirkiness of always having pockets full of rocks in preschool, and even the constant need to have her back “tickled,” in order to relax and fall asleep. I did not, however, fully come to grips with the fact that there was something, “wrong,” until early on in September of 2005. Princess P.I.T.A was having, what I thought at first to be, severe difficulties adapting to a new school. She was constantly getting in trouble. She could not concentrate or sit still, and yet, when she was interested in something and actually applied herself, the intellect was/is certainly there.

The last straw for me was the day that the school nurse called to inform me that, although she had checked my daughter and everything was fine, Princess P.I.T.A. had been sent to the nurses office complaining that her, “heart hurt.” It turns out; the poor kid was having an anxiety attack. Imagine having an anxiety attack at 5 years old, in the first grade! So off we went to the pediatrician, who referred us to a counselor, who in turn referred us to a pediatric neuropsychologist, where after a full day of neuropsychological evaluations, we received our diagnosis.

My daughter is impulsive, so much so, that she once crashed my car, after taking my keys, because she wanted to listen to music and accidentally put the car in gear. She is extremely inattentive, to the point where she can forget what you asked her to do just seconds before. She is hyperactive, more so than your typical 7 year old, to the point where I’ve taken away anything that contains sugar just to keep her from completely bouncing off the walls. Simple tasks like brush your teeth/hair, do your homework, and go to sleep are constant battles in my home, and no, I don’t mean the typical, battle that all parents face. Lord knows I wish that was all I had to complain about. We are talking, drag down, knock out, fights about the same things, over and over and over again.


With all that said, it does not change the fact that most nights, I go to bed exhausted and exasperated, secretly hoping and praying that my son will not suffer from the same ailments. It does not change the fact that most days I cringe when it is time to wake my daughter, especially if she has not gotten, the much needed, ten hours or more of sleep. It also does not change the fact that she is my child and for her I would take on the world.

To date, we have had an I.E.P. implemented at school. She receives Occupational Therapy three times a week. Behavior modification is implemented into her daily routines and although these things have helped, it is not enough. I’m hoping all of that will change on Monday, February 23, 2009, when we meet with a new neuropsychologist at Children’s Hospital in Boston. Until then, we will just keep on trucking, and of course, I will keep on dying my hair to hide the fact that I have greys at the tender age of 34 (lol).

Random

June 1st 2008 … I could have/should have said, “Go fuck yourself!” After all that happened, absolutely no one would have faulted me for that response. I could have kept going about my business. God knows that my life would probably be very different right now. I would most likely be living closest to those I love the most. Working and taking care of my kids as a single mom, self respect intact. It was however, not the road I chose to go down. I couldn’t do it. It is not now, nor has it ever been, the type of person I am. There are those who do not understand my decision and that’s okay. Perhaps if I were the one standing on the outside looking in, I wouldn’t understand either.

It’s not all about him. The decision to be here was as cold and as calculated as the feelings, or lack-there-of, he ever had for me. I wanted/needed to ensure my sons future. Being here enables me to do just that. It’s not easy. Every day I struggle with where I am as a person, and where I want to be. The benefits for both of my children, however, far outweigh anything I’ve had to and continue to endure.

I have yet to deal with all that happened. On the outside, it may appear as though all was forgiven if not at least forgotten. On the inside, however, the wounds are as open and raw, as if it had happened only yesterday. Things have never been/will never be the same. I never imagined feeling so much anger and hatred (yes hatred) towards any one person; and yet, here I am, caring for that very same,undeserving human being. I know that eventually I must come to grips with all that happened. I will have to unearth all that I so carefully pushed down into the depths of my soul, but I am not ready to do so, not yet anyway.

Bloggers Block

I'm having some serious issues with blogging so I decided to blog about how I can't blog in hopes of someday being able to blog again! Make sense? Probably not; however, that's where I currently stand.

I never used to have problems blogging. I'd blog about pretty much anything and everything. Sometimes I'd blog movie quotes or song lyrics and other times I'd blog about things that were happening in my life. The last time I blogged was April 17, 2008. I've tried blogging several times since then; however, all attempts have been complete and utter failures.

I am hoping, despite the fact that this has taken me days to write , and that it lacks any type of substance, it will be the start of a new blogging adventure.

Until then ... I'll leave it at this ... ~*Z*~

~Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past
~Stop planning the future
~Stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel
~Stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel
~Sometimes we just have to go with.......
"Whatever happens - happens"