Random

June 1st 2008 … I could have/should have said, “Go fuck yourself!” After all that happened, absolutely no one would have faulted me for that response. I could have kept going about my business. God knows that my life would probably be very different right now. I would most likely be living closest to those I love the most. Working and taking care of my kids as a single mom, self respect intact. It was however, not the road I chose to go down. I couldn’t do it. It is not now, nor has it ever been, the type of person I am. There are those who do not understand my decision and that’s okay. Perhaps if I were the one standing on the outside looking in, I wouldn’t understand either.

It’s not all about him. The decision to be here was as cold and as calculated as the feelings, or lack-there-of, he ever had for me. I wanted/needed to ensure my sons future. Being here enables me to do just that. It’s not easy. Every day I struggle with where I am as a person, and where I want to be. The benefits for both of my children, however, far outweigh anything I’ve had to and continue to endure.

I have yet to deal with all that happened. On the outside, it may appear as though all was forgiven if not at least forgotten. On the inside, however, the wounds are as open and raw, as if it had happened only yesterday. Things have never been/will never be the same. I never imagined feeling so much anger and hatred (yes hatred) towards any one person; and yet, here I am, caring for that very same,undeserving human being. I know that eventually I must come to grips with all that happened. I will have to unearth all that I so carefully pushed down into the depths of my soul, but I am not ready to do so, not yet anyway.