I'm supposed to talk about my feelings ....

My brother has been incarcerated since September 12, 2010, following a domestic dispute. I received a call yesterday from my brother’s attorney asking me to prepay on my phone so that my brother could call me. He stated that my brother was not fairing well and could benefit from having someone with whom to speak. I told the attorney I would and waited for my brother to call. When he finally called, he informed me that he was now in the prison psychiatric unit because he attempted to commit suicide.

Throughout the first phone call, I listened as he cried and apologized for, “lying to me.” He had told me once before (during his incarceration) that he was thinking of taking his life and later promised not to do it. My brother proceeded to tell me what he had done and why. I tried reassuring him that while things may look/feel impossible now, he could overcome this, if he would allow the proper people to help him, that he was loved, and that he is not alone.

My heart broke as I thought of my brother, over 3,000 miles away, feeling as if the only way to end his pain is to end his life, and how I could do no more than accept his calls and try to reassure him. I wondered how someone could feel that death was the only answer and I cried.

The second call was a bit different. My brother is convinced that he will continue to try until he gets it right. In his mind, he has never been anything more than a fuck up, and now, the one thing he thought he was doing right, is gone. We went back and forth with his reasons for why he should and my reasons for why he should not. It was not a very productive conversation and in the end, my only consolation came from the fact that he is in the psychiatric unit making another attempt nearly impossible.

I spent most of the night alone with my thoughts. My emotions went back and forth from sadness, to helplessness, to anger, etc. I finally decided to search ways to help someone who is suicidal which brings us to this blog. Aside from providing ways to help someone who is contemplating suicide, the sites encourage those who are trying to help to also get help and discuss their feelings. It is both amazing and overwhelming how many sites there are for both people who feel suicide is the only answer, for those looking to help someone who is suicidal, and for those who are survivors of suicide.

I received a humbling education today. I realized that I needed to get a grip in order to be able to help my brother. Just because I find his reasons for suicide inadequate, does not make them any less real or painful for him. He is suffering from a very real and very frightening illness. An illness that I have been told my daughter also suffers.

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On a more personal level

I know that I am flawed in more ways than even I care to admit. I make mistakes. I do not always say the right thing. Sometimes, I simply say nothing at all. I retreat into my own little world for fear of letting people in and getting hurt. I prefer to walk away and allow others to think what they will rather than deal with conflict. I am not always a good friend, sister, daughter, mate, and mother. I am sure there have been times (intentional or not) that I have hurt others. I have been hurt in ways I would never wish on my worst enemy, and yet, I would never consider suicide as a way of dealing with the pain I have and am yet to feel. I can empathize and be there for my brother and anyone else who has ever battled depression and thought of suicide; but, I will never fully understand the decision to kill oneself.